Excerpt from Daniel Webster Cook Book
Many Husbands are utterly spoiled by mismanagement in cooking and so are not tender and good.
Some women go about it as if their husbands were bladders, and blow them up; others keep them constantly in hot water; others let them freeze by their carelessness and indifference. Some keep them in a stew by irritating ways and words, others roast them, and others keep them in a pickle all their lives. It cannot be supposed that any husband will be tender and good managed in this way, but they are really delicious when properly treated. In selecting your husband you should not be guided by the silvery appearance as in buying mackerel, nor by the golden tint, as if you wanted salmon. Be sure to select him yourself, as tastes differ. Do not go to the market for him, as the best are always brought to the door. It is far better to have none unless you will patiently learn how to cook him. A preserving kettle of the finest porcelain is best, but if you have nothing better than an earthenware pipkin, it will do with care. See that the linen in which you wrap him is nicely washed and mended, with the required number of buttons and strings nicely sewed on. Tie him in a kettle by a strong silken cord called Comfort, as the one called Duty is apt to be weak. He is apt to fly out of the kettle and be burned and crusty on the edges, since, like crabs and lobsters, you have to cook him while alive. Make a clear, steady fire out of love, neatness and cheerfulness, set him as near this as seems to agree with him. If he sputter and fizz, do not be anxious about him, some husbands do this until they are quite done. Add a little sugar in the form of what confectioners call kisses, but no vinegar or pepper must be used on any account. A little spice improves them, but it must be used with care and judgment. Do not stick any sharp instrument into him to see if he is becoming tender, stir him gently, watch the while, and you cannot fail to know when he is done. If thus treated you will find him very digestible, agreeing nicely with you and the children, and he will keep as long as you wish, unless you become careless and set him in too cold a place.
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